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Many parents these days, like us, choose to not spank our children. Some people can’t picture how that even works and insist that these children not hit must be out of control. I can tell you from experience this is not the case. I am often complimented on how my children behave and I know them to be wonderful. This does not mean we are without challenges. Children both hit and not, can be out of control as hitting is not the end all be all of parenting. Hitting aside, the next often used parenting tool of our society are time outs. Do you use them?
I admit that we do at times, not our best parenting choice I admit. Why don’t I like them? Because in short, time outs are not effective and they can be harmful. The reason being is that our children need to be unconditionally loved and when put into time out we are telling them that they no longer are good enough for what ever reason to even be around us, that we do not even want to look at them, that they are bad ect. So for how ever long we put them in time out, they internalize this feeling of being out side of our love.
We would like for times outs to be used by our children as time to calm down and think about what they did and what they could do differently next time. This however is not how the mind of a child works, it is not natural to them and it is expecting to much. Children will often dwell and focus on our words or actions and internalize that they are wrong, not worthy, dirty, mean, evil or what not. No matter how peacefully or kind we tried to make it, they turn the feelings of rejection into other things. Sometimes this makes them act out even worse sometimes even refusing the time out spot, or making them rage uncontrollably and some children even get destructive as they do not know how to deal with these emotions and they are not able as child to deal with them alone. Yet we ask them to deal alone. I do not believe they can. I do not believe it is wise to expect them to.
Our children take time outs very hard when we do rarely use them. Again, not our best moments as parents I admit. Our oldest gets very aggravated and takes it hard on herself and feels rejected and unheard. This is not something one wants a tween to feel I can tell you. Our 6 year old feels helpless and alone and cries and has raged in the past. Our 4 year old got very violent with me once about it. All told I think we do a time out once a month.
I wish it was never. So why do we end up doing them? Because we end up doing them… a last resort when we as parents are feeling at wits end, or out of control. Really it is the parents, me, that needs the time out. Time to calm down and think clearly. Life does not always give us this time and sadly my children have paid the price.
So this is me vowing to stop all time outs in my home. It will be harder but worth it as our children should never feel outside of our love, should never feel outside of our home. Should never feel trapped between a rock and a hard place when it comes to being family. So it might be that I have to take my time out by hugging one of them extra long or simply sitting down and letting them how I am feeling and why. They might not understand but at least they will see how an adult can work through such emotions and feeling out of control so some day when they have brains that are fully developed enough to handle it, they might remember how the parents did dealing with emotions and they might find they can do it too without causing anyone else to feel like they are not loved.
My husband says that home should always be the soft place to land when the world outside gets too hard. There is nothing soft about time outs, they just don’t leave the marks that spanking might.
In the end, do what works for you and yours. My opinions are not judgement on you. As parents we are all in this together and all have out own paths. Maybe though your a bit like me and maybe this post might help you. If not, thats ok too!
All the best,
Kimberly
Hi Kimberly,
Thanks for the thoughts. I feel the same. What seems to help most is when I say “lets go back to a quiet place and have a talk” and that’s what it is. It starts with a hug and sitting down face to face, typically mostly me talking simply about what happened and how to handle the situation better (she is only 4 and I think she’s confused by emotions at the time)and ends with a hug. I want her to know it’s okay to have emotions, but we still need to show each other respect. Of course this works better sometimes than others, so it’s work in progress.
Kelly