After a loss it can be near impossible to express emotions without fear of saying the wrong thing. If your the mother you worry about being a burden on friends if you talk about it and worried if you don’t that you might come off as heartless or worse. There really seems little way to communicate it all with words.
The above quote seems cold given the topic and it seems like an idea so untouchable that a pregnancy lost can somehow be something to smile about. That little magical pregnancy line gets darker and sorrow drips from your body and your soul seems lost in a dark place that makes no sense at all.
How can I smile about a loss.
When someone died we can think of all the good times and good things they did with their lives and how they effected others. It sometimes helps us to grieve and we know we are not alone. Though knowing what to say in those times is still very hard.
For a pregnancy loss, there is so little smile at. It was not those cells you had an experience with just yet when it is an early loss. The loss is of the possibility, the future that will now not come for that small spark of being. There seems to be a special sorrow for the loss of a pregnancy. The loss of hope.
There are no words to make it better, no words that really comfort the hard fall from such high hopes gone. I can tell you though, reminding the parents that they are loved and cared about helps. Reminding them that they matter and that they are still here. Listening helps, responding in any kind way is better than silence and better than trying to explain it away. There comes a time for logic but not right after the loss.
Each pregnancy is different and each loss is different too. A mother might feel the need to tell no one, to keep the sorrow to herself, the secret she can hold in her heart and whisper to late at night. Another loss could bring her hopeless to anyone who will listen who can help her make sense of the world again. And yet another loss could leave her numb to emotion but the cold logic of nature and reality. Maybe those mothers who can think about the nature of such loss can connect pregnancy loss to this quote,
“Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.”― Dr. Seuss
Maybe they can see the magic that is creation. The beauty in the complexity and the odds involved to even getting to see those two lines showing a pregnancy. Maybe they can smile that life found a way, even if just for a blink in time.
No matter what the parents are feeling, none of it is wrong. If they are fine, then fine is the perfect thing for them to be at the time. If they depressed or crazy about researching the topic and rambling on and on about it, that is what they should be doing. Love them no matter what they are feeling and don’t think they know you care about them. Sometimes we all need to hear it, to see it, to have it in the scent of flowers. My advice though if you listen to anything I have written here is to at least not ignore it unless she asks for the topic to not be spoken of for a time.
We all deal differently with loss and there really is no wrong way. There seems to be no words to say after someone has a miscarriage but “I love you” is something I do not think anyone hears too often.
To the dear mothers I know who have suffered tragic ends to pregnancy, you are loved and your feelings matter.